Nothankyoumoreplease

Last year I brought to you my take on EW’s Fall Movie Preview. There I focused only on the actors whose names caused me to stop reading, secure in the knowledge that I did not care for his/her new movie. If that were still the case, I would plan on avoiding Battleship because it stars Rihanna and Liam Neesom, but instead I will limit myself to selling points that get me to think “No Sale!”

1. “Based on the board game” — Clue was just not a good movie and Jumanji was not even a real game. So, no, Battleship, you will not sink me.

2. “Pregnancy bible” — You had me at pregnancy. (What to Expect When You’re Expecting)

3. “Threequel” — No one ever called Return of the Jedi or The Return of the King a threequel. On the other hand, Spider-man 3, Scary Movie 3, Shrek 3, Transformers: Dark Side of my Pants, those were all threequels. And before you decide to remind me about Die Hard With a Vengeance and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, just know that their fourth films fit into this dumpster fire. I do not remember watching Men In Black 2, so, why not just skip to that step by not watching MIB3.

4. “Before an asteroid destroys Earth” — Seeking a Friend For the End of the World seems like a clever little movie, but it has an asteroid that’s going to hit earth. Sorry Steve Carell, but some people are just one-hit wonders.

5. “Thrill seeking Gen-Y tourists” — I cheated on this one. After seeing the title, Chernobyl Diaries, I stopped reading. But its first sentence offered me that gem.

6. “Man-child” — unless this sentences ends before the name Adam Sandler appears, I’m out. That’s My Boy has that name in it and even Andy Samberg cannot change that.

7. “Broadway musical” — to be fair, the sentence actually begins, “In the big-screen adaptation of the big-haired Broadway musical…” which sounds even worse. I say that we send Hollywood a message to leave Rock of Ages, and all other Broadway musicals where they belong, not in cinemas.

 

So yeah, to get me to see your movies, movie studios, try to avoid those kind of things.

 

 

The Hunger Games

****

That’s a beautiful dress. Not yours Effie, hers.

The above quotation comes for Haymitch–Woody Harrelson–whose character begins as a simple, boring drunk. A drunk who first offers this gem for the tributes to stay alive, “Face the probability of your imminent death, and know that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to help you.” Haymitch was the last winner of the Hunger Games from District 12, whence come Katniss–Jennifer Lawrence and Peeta-Josh Hutcherson, this year’s tributes. It appears that his job has been to advise the tributes. He is not a young man which means that every year since his awful triumph over 23 over teenagers, he has advised teenagers who have gone to their deaths.

As he went, so did the rest of the movie. Sure, Stanley Tucci’s Caesar Flickerman was excellent from the start, but almost every other character had an uphill battle from either looking weird or seeming one note. Part of that comes from taking a complex book and trying to summarize characters through representative scenes and another part comes from the awful fashion at the capitol. Just look at Wes Bentley’s facial hair. In the end, I really enjoyed his character. I look forward to learning more about just how honest, or dishonest each character really was, from the President on down to the tributes.