The Hunt for Red October

*****
Russians don’t take a dump, son, without a plan. Now that is a quote that is applicable in so many situations. My other favorite quotation is much less useful, since it offends whomever you address, You arrogant ass, you’ve killed us!

The late Fred Thompson in The Hunt for Red October.

I was shocked to realize that I had not rated/reviewed this film. It is one of my favorites and one I have seen at least four times since I started logging my viewing. I could probably write 500-600 words on this easily, but I doubt I would convince many people to change their minds twenty five years after this film’s glorious release.

Thus my review is that the music (Basil Pouledaris) is amazing. The acting is amazing. The story is amazing. The cinematography is amazing. The number of women in the film is amazing, by which I mean it’s really only Gates McFadden–Dr. Beverly Crusher from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”–for one scene. I could excuse this because it’s about the CIA and US Government and US and Soviet Navies, but excusing present sexism because of past sexism is weak sauce. That criticism aside, I love this film and can only hope that it gets remade with an all-female cast, but then I will probably hate it for not being as good as the original, because remakes almost never live up to the originals.

Here is a complete list of all remakes that lived up to the originals (I excluded re-adaptations like The Quiet American, nor TV shows Miami Vice, and but did include a few unofficial remakes, because otherwise I had so few movies):

• A Fistful of Dollars—Clint Eastwood’s first movie with Ennio Morricone, oops, I mean Sergio Leone, which is a remake of Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo with Toshiro Mifune.
• Snatch—Not officially a remake of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but it certainly feels like one.
• The Good, The Bad, The Weird—Again, probably not an official remake so much as an homage, but this is a hard freaking list to make, okay?
• Fist of Legend—I just reviewed this Jet Li classic remake of Bruce Lee’s classic The Chinese Connection.
• Bad News Bears—Billy Bob Thornton does a good job with the whole Walter Matthau role.
• The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3—Denzel Washington does a very different job with the whole Walter Matthau role.
• True Grit—Jeff Bridges or John Wayne, take your pick.
• Insomnia—Al Pacino or Stellan Skarsgård, take your pick.
• Maleficent—Live action Sleeping Beauty, from the fairy’s perspective.

Never Say Never Again

IF I were to have live tweeted this movie, here are some of the things I would have tweeted:

M to Bond, “Eliminate all free radicals.” Ha! Ha! Get it? I hope you do, because this movie is nothing but lazy puns!

Edward Fox—General Horrocks in A Bridge Too Far—does have a good demeanor for playing M.

Did you know that this is a remake of Thunderball?

Did you know that the theme song to this is infinitely worse than Tom Jones’ Thunderball?

Tom Jones’ Thunderball would make a good name for a band.

Where is the Bond music? The fight scenes work less well without that, or some equally good theme.

Disconnecting the weights from a universal bench press decreases the weight, no the reverse. Oops.

Having the beefy henchman throw the janitor right when the janitor wakes up again is pretty funny.

Why is the beefy henchman dressed like an Australian karate chauffeur?

What just got thrown into the eyes of the Australian karate chauffeur?? And why did it kill him?

James Bond’s urine. From a sample. WHAT DOES HE CONSUME THAT MAKES IT HYDROCHLORIC (instead of uric) ACID!?

Also, the henchman crushed a bunch of glass into his own back post-urine splash.

The plan is to make this US airman betray his country by altering his eye into matching the President’s. Can’t believe it’s working!

In Thunderball they steal the plane, but in this they fire the nuclear missiles…even if they were “dummies” why would we practice this!?

Ha, the missiles went from 10 km away, to 4 km, to 5 km, to 3 km. Silly math!

Max Von Sydow is awesome as Blofeld. I could listen to him define S.P.E.C.T.R.E. all day.

The 00 section has been reinstated! Huzzah! I worried that the movie would become mostly Bond filing papers.

This dancing scene with Kim Basinger is pretty creepy. Why is her audio ADR-ed? I wonder if Largo (Klaus Maria Brandauer–The Russia House) got ADR-ed too?

Wow, Goldeneye ripped off the whole “bureaucrats and computers” running MI-6 complaints from this movie. Tsk tsk.

Young Rowan Atkinson! He is pre-Mr. Bean!

I like how Fatima Blush’s boat looks like the disco volante!

The Disco Volante being Largo’s big ship, duh.

Is that a bomb she put on Bond’s scuba tank? Of course not! That would never work! It’s  shark homing device!

This shark is a good actor.

No! He trapped the shark! Its’ jut a movie, it’s just a movie, it’s just a movie.

Wow, James Bond reeled in by a woman wearing only overalls! Classic 1980s side boob.

And now Fatima has taken my advice and decided to use a bomb. #Learning

The original Black Felix Leiter! His name is Bernie Casey and he played Cal Hudson on Star Trek: DS9. I knew I recognized him from Star Trek.

Domino (Basinger) has the opposite reaction most people would have to learning that their masseuse was in fact some random stranger not employed by the facility.

The more she thought about it, the more aroused she seemed to get.

Does she have a random stranger touching her without her knowing it fetish?

Is that a fetish?

The video game! There is so much in the movie that I associate with the Bond movies that I did not realize!

“It’s called Domination.” Creeeeeper.

You get shocked when you’re losing. Makes me not want to play this game.

Okay, so why would Fatima be so pleased about killing someone other than James Bond?

Her mission was to kill James Bond.

The female French agent? Totally not James Bond.

Her plan to capture him has worked great though! #SpokeToSoon

Her outfit. Is. Amazing.

I wish I could find one with a good view of those pants.

“I’m doing this for two reasons…one I’m trying to provoke an answer…and two, because I always wanted to.”

Wow this just turned offensive in northern Africa. #Slavers

This clearly influenced The Living Daylights wih the AKs and horses and Muslims.

Missed an opportunity for a Wilhelm Scream there!

Jumping off that castle into the water on a horse was Fast 5 level insane.

Why would Domino (Basinger) care about Bond after knowing him for like two days? He’s just not that likable.

I can’t even…

It makes more sense if you realize they were fired from a submarine…

James Bond with a Mac 10, aka an uzi? To quote James Bond in Goldfinger, “shocking.”

How do the henchmen get these jobs? I like how one of them really appreciates the beauty of his surroundings.

As much as I like seeing Kim Basinger in a tiger bathing suit, I do not want to have to see Sean Connery in thin white trunks.

“I always have a martini at five.” — Alcoholic or OCD?

*** or somehow ½ star less than Thunderball. I gave Thunderball 3 & ½ stars!? And Entertainment Weekly gave it an A-?!?

And that concludes the first and only time I will do this. I will never fake live tweet a movie again.

“Never?”

“Never.”

<Cue theme song “Never say never again”>

The Russia House

Did you know that Sean Connery spoke Russian in back to back movies? Neither did I! And I used to defend his accent in The Hunt For Red October back when I was an undergrad to the other members of the Russian Department. If only I had seen this movie earlier. Not because of that tidbit, but because Michelle Pfeiffer was smokingly hot then—and a pretty good Русская (Russian).

THE RUSSIA HOUSE, Michelle Pfeiffer, 1990, (c) MGM

This perestroika/glasnost (перестройка–rebuilding & гласность–openness) tale features Sean Connery as a bookseller who gets embroiled in a tale of espionage where he is definitely not 007. Connery’s character, Barley, prefers the USSR to the West, “Yes, because I prefer Russia. It’s as corrupt as America, but there’s less bullshit.” The best American in the film is Roy Scheider. But I do miss Roy Scheider, so I am biased. All this adds up to a pleasant *** film. Приятельный фильм.

Most Memorable Characters of All-Time #26–50

What makes a character memorable? Sometimes it is a look. Sometimes it is an accent. Sometimes it is what that character says. But once the film is over you remember that character. Sometimes in your dreams and other times in your nightmares. You might not remember who played these characters, or even their films as much as them. These are not necessarily the best performances by the best actors, but these are 25 of the most memorable characters in the history of cinema.

50. Lt. Col. Frank Slade (Scent of a Woman, Al Pacino) – “HOO-ah!” (I could not find a clip of him yelling it, apologies.)

49. The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz, Margaret Hamilton) – “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

48. Dracula (Dracula, Bela Lugosi) – There have been many Draculas, but the first has defined the role and the look.

47. Brodie Bruce (Mallrats & Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Jason Lee) – This was the sarcastic nerd who captured the slacker anti-hero perfectly. “Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent – I don’t care which one – but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.”

46. Fenster (The Usual Suspects, Benicio del Toro) – “Flip you. Flip ya for real.”

45. Captain Jack Sparrow (The Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp) – “This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.”

44. Spock (Star Trek, Leonard Nimoy & Zackary Quinto) – Okay, so this is 99% Nimoy. Most famous line/movie is Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, “You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours.”

43. Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore (Apocalypse Now, Robert Duvall) – “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like victory.” Link to the clip.

42. Janine “Smurf” Cody (Animal Kingdom, Jacki Weaver) – “And you’ve done some bad things sweetie, haven’t you? I want this part to be clear this is not about you doing me a favor or, me blackmailing you or anything like that. It’s just a bad situation for everyone.” If you have never seen her before, when you do, you will not forget her. Oh and this boy she is talking about, is her grandson.

41. Lt. Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun, Leslie Nielsen) – “I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.”

40. Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird, Gregory Peck) – Who knows how many people decided they wanted to become lawyers because of this character.

39. Sam Spade (The Maltese Falcon, Humphrey Bogart) – The classic film noir detective! “When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it. And it happens we’re in the detective business. Well, when one of your organization gets killed, it’s-it’s bad business to let the killer get away with it, bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere.”

38. Eli (Let The Right One In, Lina Leandersson) – She is an eternally youthful vampire. It is a touching and emotionally challenging character to face.

37. Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride, Mandy Patinkin) – “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.” Sword fight!

36. Juno (Juno, Ellen Page) – “Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine’s Day. And I’m like, ‘Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.'”

35. Vito Corleone (The Godfather Parts I & II, Marlon Brando & Robert De Niro) – I do not know how some people forget how interesting young Vito was in Part II. And he has no lines as memorable as “I’m going to make him an offer he won’t refuse.”

34. Alex (A Clockwork Orange, Malcolm McDowell) – “What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent.”

33. Rick Blaine (Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart) – Fact: my grandmother can quote every line of his when she watches the film. “I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

32. John McClane (Die Hard, Bruce Willis) – “Yippie-kay-yay mother fucker.”

31. The Joker (The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger) – “See, this is how crazy Batman’s made Gotham! If you want order in Gotham, Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn’t, people will die, starting tonight. I’m a man of my word.”

30. Eve Harrington (All About Eve, Anne Baxter) – “I’ll never forget this night as long as I live, and I’ll never forget you for making it possible.” She speaks with an innocence and an honesty that make her so, so endearing. Is it possible not to trust this face?

29. James Bond (The Bond movies, Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig) – “The name’s Bond, James Bond.” ALL of them.

28. Arthur Burns (The Proposition, Danny Huston) – “Slowly now, Sergeant. Put your privates back in your pants and turn around. Come to steal my brother a horse, and we find ourselves a copper.” Here’s a different clip, turn the sound up because it is quiet.

27. Amon Goeth (Schindler’s List, Ralph Fiennes) – “This is very cruel, Oskar. You’re giving them hope. You shouldn’t do that. That’s cruel!” It is hard to find a greater villain this nazi scum.

26. Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski, John Goodman) – I do not think that anyone has done angry better than Walter. “Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking roll!” SHOMER SHABBOS!

I will have numbers 11–25 up soon, until then, let us keep the sabbath holy and not bowl from sundown Friday until the third star appears in the sky Saturday night.

You Only Live Twice

**½

Rule number two: in Japan, men come first, women come second.

If you found Live and Let Die to be too politically correct for you, then this is your movie. Sure, the above could be mistaken for mere male chauvinism, but that would not do this movie credit. In this Bond goes to “ninja training” and has his chest waxed, eyes slantied, and skin darkened to appear “more Japanese.” Does it work? I would guess that if I had not told you that, but instead showed you a clip of Sean Connery in disguise that you would have thought it were James Bond staring into the sun.

As with any Bond film, there are pluses. Two of the villains, Osato-Teru Shimada-and the busty Helga Brandt—played well by Karin Dor—are interesting and thoughtful. The Japanese chief of intelligence, Tetsuro Tamba as Tiger Tanaka, does the best he can with lines like the tosh above. And the villain’s lair is mighty impressive—it is in a volcano and looks like it too.

Unfortunately, the Japanese Bond girls are pretty, but interchangeable. When Bond is told that he has to get married as part of his cover, his contact, Aki gets excited and moves closer towards him. How does Sean Connery, the original James Bond react? He smiles warmly and seems to have his excitement grow. Bond? The marrying type? Because this young agent gives a crappy massage and is willing to sleep with him? Instead he is to marry someone else. That night, Aki gets killed in a failed attempt on Bond’s life. That must have devastated him, since he wanted to “marry” Aki. If so, he keeps such emotion to himself and goes about trying to sleep with his new fake wife. Yuck.

Thunderball

As I said in 50 Years of Bond, I love Bond movies. Even the bad ones are enjoyable. I usually think of this one as one of those, but watching it for my blog I think it deserves more credit. Not the A- that Entertainment Weekly gave it, but it is at least a third tier Bond.

The Good: Sean Connery had Bond down pat by this point. The Bond girls—Molly Peters, Claudine Auger, Luciana Polizzi—are more active and all stunning. In fact, Polizzi’s Fiona gets the best line, “But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr. Bond. James Bond, the one where he has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents, and turns to the side of right and virtue…but not this one.” Adolfo Cell’s Largo makes for a great villain too, but more than that, he makes a great Bond villain with the appropriate cadences, vices and strengths. Best of all has to be Tom Jones’s theme song.

The Bad: While this has all of the hallmarks of a good Bond movie with fancy gadgets, exciting locales, beautiful women, Sean Connery, the MI6 team, Felix Leiter, it also has a certain sloppiness. I still do not know who was higher ranking in SPECTRE, Largo, aka Number Two, or Fiona, who is from SPECTRE’s execution division. I do not understand why the four goons who have Bond surrounded flee once their superior gets shot. SPECTRE seems to kill their employees for failure, so maybe sticking it out and trying to kill an unarmed James Bond makes more sense than running away. Conceivably, some of those same henchmen were on the ship trying to take on a flotilla from the US Navy and firing away like they would rather die than get captured. While that happens some sped up footage is meant to convince us that a boat is going really, really fast. So, to be fair, there is a lot of bad too.

The Ugly: Those orange wetsuits with shorts. The fight scene is less impressive now than it would have been in 1965, which is just a fact.

I think that adds up to a ***½ movie, Bond movie.

The Red Tent

**½

I was thinking…I was thinking of a hot bath, actually.

This movie starts and ends strong, unfortunately, one has to watch the middle 100 minutes.  My favorite part was the History channel style opening, like a 1950’s version of a newsreel.  My main qualm with how this film was done is how cheesy it seems.  Maybe there is a good film with ghosts playing the main parts in the “present,” but this certainly is not it.  How can ghosts even have flashbacks?  Or one man’s imagination regarding those ghosts.

On the whole the sound of the film was poor.  The worst cheesy music came when a group of Soviets rode some horses in possibly the least relevant Soviet horse riding scene ever.  The format of this story was one of a tragedy; if only the director had realized how the style and under-utilization of Sean Connery would doom this film into tragically underachieving.  Still, the story was not half-bad.

Odd style, the audio was not very good.

Diamonds Are Forever

***

Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you’re not an expert on!

Not the strongest Bond film, but Sean Connery plays himself well.  And the film deserves credit for presenting gay characters without falling prey to any typical “gay” stereotypes.  Lastly, my dad deserves credit for pointing out that Willard Whyte was supposed to be Howard Hughes.  I’ve SEEN The Aviator, how did I not figure this out on my own?